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Monday, February 8th, 2010
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Me being a big goober in my Xelloss cosplay gear (minus the turtleneck cream tunic and satchel bag, which were too hot for me to put on XD;;;; )
Demon's blood talismen and staff by Roaming-Bard (Mallory).
Lol, Hellmaster's Jar that talks (because I wanted to include it XD) by Izo-Chan (Ruana).
Most recent addition: exquisitely crafted cloak and three-jewel clasp by GaavnoMayuge (Elise). THANK YOU! <3333333333
IMPORTANT DETAIL, BTW: THE SEAL OF IPOS IS INKED ON BEHIND THE BIGGEST JEWEL OF THE CLASP.
 <--This. I will have to get a good detail shot of it!
DAMMIT, I just realized my lips are too pink to play a guy xDDD will have to fix that with makeup next time.
( Sore wa himitsu desu! )
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Comments: Read 9 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, February 7th, 2010
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The first doodle is unfinished, the second finished.
 <--Rezo and his wife, Zelgadiss's great-grandmother, expecting their child. She looks like Ozer because in my little world, Rezo modeled Ozer after his late wife. It stands to reason that, since he couldn't see, and since the writers and producers had wonderful blissful amnesia about Eris whom Rezo may or may not have ever cared about anyway and whom he never did ANYthing with in the novels due to her young age, a blind man who had little time for personal relationships would model a mannequin that took care of his soul and that had his name spelled backwards after the woman he married or at least fathered a child with.
 <--I have always wanted to draw Rezo's beautiful and rarely seen big dark eyes close up. I also wanted to capture something of his compelling combination of fragility and power. His deep emotional resonance for all things which in a way plunges him into despair and rises him to manias throughout the anime storyline. This is meant to be a face of truthfulness and sincere contrition. He is saying "I'm sorry. I'll be good." I recommend enlarging this one a couple of times. You're supposed to feel almost uneasy about the forceful feeling in his gaze.
Ladeeda! Laters!
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Comments: Read 18 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, February 5th, 2010
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Cutest thing ever. Posted this like a year ago here but decided to repost! :D
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, February 4th, 2010
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I probably have posted this before but I just want to point out (again) that it is my favorite scene in all of the Slayers tv series, movies, and novels lol. My two favorite characters fighting. Omfg. It's like the politest yet most heavy weight battle in the universe. LOL.
Xelloss being a smartass giving Rezo tongue even while in excruciating pain midair is just. Priceless lol.
And for some reason, every time Rezo calls Xelloss "pretentious" at the end of that segment, I fly into fits of giggles XDDDDDD Xelloss just does NOT impress members of the Greywords family LOL.
I love that a blind human has the balls to bushwack my favorite too-cocky-in-battle mazoku. Xelloss sometimes needs a smackdown to be reminded that caution is a good thing, rofl.
The only thing that would have made this better would have been Rezo in his actual swooshy-haired, extremely tall dark and handsome man-body lol.
Xelloss thinks he'll win. Observe:
Can't you just hear that sinister chicken-giggle? LOL.
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Comments: Read 29 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010
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I thought I'd be Olivia! LOL! Wtf! XDDDDDD
That makes TWO fictional mad scientists I can identify with.
Also, I hate and disdain crude remarks and am socially apt, so again, OLIVIA damn it lol!
ALSO ALSO, I would love to be a genius but I doubt I am XDDDDDDDDDD
Posted this for Roxy who should get shits and giggles out of it. <3
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Comments: Read 18 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, February 1st, 2010
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Sunday, January 31st, 2010
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CLASSIC DISNEY
-------------------------------
[X] 101 Dalmatians (1961)
[X] Alice in Wonderland (1951)
[X] Bambi (1942)
[X] Cinderella (1950)
[X] Dumbo (1941)
[X] Fantasia (1940) <--<333 MY FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME.
[X] Lady and the Tramp (1955)
[X] Mary Poppins (1964)
[X] Peter Pan (1953)
[X] Pinocchio (1940)
[X] Sleeping Beauty (1959)
[X] Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)
[ X] Song of the South (1946) <---Terrible bigoted movie lol, BUT it's interesting for cultural history purposes!
TOTAL: 13
DISNEY'S DARK AGE
------------------------------
[X] The Aristocats (1970)
[X] Bedknobs & Broomsticks (1971)
[X] The Black Cauldron (1985) <--They fucking BUTCHERED my favorite children's book. This broke Lloyd Alexander's heart. I actually wrote him about it and he discussed it with me. The man is a brilliant novelist, so it saddens me.
[X] The Fox and the Hound (1981)
[X] The Great Mouse Detective (1986) <--Very dear to my heart.
[X] The Jungle Book (1967)
[X] The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh (1977)
[X] Oliver and Company (1986)
[X] Pete's Dragon (1977)
[X] The Rescuers (1977)
[X] Robin Hood (1973)
[X] The Sword In The Stone (1963)
TOTAL: 25
THE DISNEY RENAISSANCE
-------------------------------
[X] Aladdin (1992)
[X] Beauty and the Beast (1991)<--I can relate SO MUCH to Belle.
[X] A Goofy Movie (1995)
[X] Hercules (1997)
[X] The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)
[X] The Lion King (1994) <---This movie convinced me I wanted to be an artist.
[X] The Little Mermaid (1989)
[X] Mulan (1998) <--My favorite heroine with Belle as a close second.
[X] Pocahontas (1995)<--My favorite animation style.
[X] The Rescuers Down Under (1990)
[X] Tarzan (1999)
TOTAL: 36
DISNEY'S MODERN AGE
-------------------------------
[X] Atlantis: The Lost Empire (2001)
[ ] Bolt (2008)
[X] Brother Bear (2003)<--This movie always depresses me.
[ ] Chicken Little (2005)
[ ] Dinosaur (2000)
[X] The Emperor's New Groove (2000)<--Freaking hilarious.
[X] Enchanted (2007)<--ALSO freaking hilarious. I go to bed to this movie every night.
[X] Fantasia 2000 (2000)<--Firebird Suite and Rhapsody in Blue sequences make me cry.
[ ] Home on the Range (2004)
[X] Lilo & Stitch (2002)<--I am the rare maverick who thought this one was a dud.
[ ] Meet the Robinsons (2007)
[X] The Princess and the Frog (2009)<--BEAUTIFUL 2-d animation comeback!!!! DR. FACILIER FTW.
[X] Treasure Planet (2002)<--Weird but sweet.
TOTAL: 44
PIXAR <---BOOOOOOO. >8^( This studio is why I had to abandon my first career dream, as a Disney animator. Damn you, Michael Eisner. I became far more tolerant of Pixar when plans went in the making for 2-d to return. I never understood why 2 and 3 d animation couldn't COexist.
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[X] A Bug's Life (1998)
[ ] Cars (2006)
[X] Finding Nemo (2003)<--Dory <3
[X] The Incredibles (2004)
[X] Monsters Inc. (2001)
[X] Ratatouille (2007)<--REALLY clever concept.
[X] Toy Story (1995)
[X] Toy Story 2 (1999)
[ ] Wall-E (2008)
[X] Up (2009)<--This movie is PROFOUNDLY helpful if you are mourning someone. Its message is superb.
TOTAL: 52
DON BLUTH <--Lol oh, this poor man. He defected from Disney in the 1980's and none of his movies match up to theirs. When I interned at Disney I thought it was unprofessional how they made fun of Bluth's work. He might not be as talented, but artists should respect one another's work.
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[X] All Dogs Go to Heaven (1989)<--This movie is as bad for the mourning as Up is good ^^;;;;
[X] An American Tail (1986)
[X] An American Tail: Fieval Goes West (1991)<--I loved John Cleese's Cat R. Waul villain character.
[X] Anastasia (1997)
[X] The Land Before Time (1988)
[X] The Pebble and the Penguin (1995)<--Really bad movie lol.
[X] Rock-a-Doodle (1991)<--Even worse bad movie, but for some reason I love it, lol. Probably the Duke (voiced by Michael Gambon/Dumbledore!!!) and his crazy nephew.
[X] The Secret of NIMH (1982)<--CHILLING movie. CHILLING. A must-see for animal rights activists.
[X] The Secret of NIMH 2: Timmy to the Rescue (1998) <--I watched this because nothing else was on the night I dumped my high school boyfriend and was very very depressed XD;;;;
[X] Thumbelina (1994)<--I liked the Swallow, but that's it.
[X] Titan AE (2000)<--Dud.
[X ] A Troll in Central Park (1994) <--Even worse dud. Poor Dom Deluise....
TOTAL: 64
CLAYMATION<--These aren't all Claymation. Some of them are done with computer assisted techniques....
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[ ] The Adventures of Mark Twain (1986)
[ ] Chicken Run (2000)
[X] Corpse Bride (2005)<--A sort of disappointing Renaissance of Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas type.
[ ] James and the Giant Peach (1996)
[X] The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)<--I watch it every Halloween <3
[X] Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (2005)<--lmao a fellow PhD recently made me watch this. "Cheese, Gromit!" lolol.
[X] Coraline (2009)<--This was such a disturbing yet cool movie. I am still trying to figure out what the point of it was, it's very multi-dimensional and catchy.
TOTAL: 68
CGI GLUT<--lmfao, that is the coolest heading ever.
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[x] Antz (1998)
[ ] Happy Feet (2006)
[ ] Kung Fu Panda (2008)
[ ] Madagascar (2005)
[ ] Monster House (2006)
[X] Over the Hedge (2006)
[ ] The Polar Express(2004)<--I saw part of this. THEY TURNED MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS CHILDREN'S BOOK INTO A SHITTY MOVIE FRANCHISE. BOO.
[X] Shrek (2001)
[X] Shrek 2 (2004)
[ ] Shrek The Third (2007)
[ ] Monsters vs. Aliens (2009)
TOTAL: 72
IMPORTS
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[ ] Arabian Knight (aka The Thief and the Cobbler) (1995)
[X] The Last Unicorn (1982)<----I ADORE THIS MOVIE SO VERY MUCH. IT MAKES ME MELANCHOLY FOR WEEKS EVERY TIME I WATCH IT, THOUGH. OH LORD <333 Schmendriiiick <3333333
[ ] Light Years (1988)
[X ] The Triplets of Belleville (2003)<--Omfg this movie was BRILLIANT.
[ ] Persepolis (2007)
[ ] Waltz With Bashir (2008)
[ ] Watership Down (1978) <--I've never had the guts to see this.
[ ] When the Wind Blows (1988)
[ ] Yellow Submarine (1968)
TOTAL: 74
STUDIO GHIBLI/MIYAZAKI<--F'K YEAH <333333
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[X] Grave of the Fireflies (1988)<---Jesus Christ, this movie...is so....deeply...tragic. I own it and have watched it only once. You will never feel the same way about the way society treats children or the West perceives the role of the Japanese civilians in World War II. NEVER WATCH THIS IF YOU ARE ALREADY DEPRESSED. It's more agonizing than at least parts of Schindler's List.
[X] Howl's Moving Castle (2004)<--I adore this.
[X] Kiki's Delivery Service (1989)<--And this.
[X] Laputa: Castle in the Sky (1986)<--Slow in parts but beautiful.
[X] Lupin III: The Castle of Cagliostro (1979) <--This is the sweetest movie, GOD I love it. It's so much better than the series, which gets a little smutty.
[ ] My Neighbors The Yamadas (1999) <--I HAVEN'T SEEN A MIYAZAKI MOVIE? WHUT.
[X] My Neighbor Totoro (1993)<--I have never seen a more ingenious portrayal of children and their psychology. <3333
[ ] Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind (1984)<--I am ashamed that I haven't seen his masterpiece. MUST FIND.
[ ] Only Yesterday (1991) <--DEAR GOD I HAVEN'T SEEN THREE?!
[X] Pom Poko (Tanuki War) (1994)<--This was so weird lol XDDDD
[X] Porco Rosso (1992)<--I CRY EVERY TIME he tells the story about his friends ascending to heaven in their planes. EVERY TIME.
[X] Princess Mononoke (1999)<--Exquisite heartbreaking movie. The soundtrack is too. Joe Hisaishi! <3
[X] Spirited Away (2002)<--Always With Me <3
[X] Whisper of the Heart (1995)<--Lol the cat <3
[ ] Ponyo on a Cliff by the Sea (2009)<--I was studying for exams when this came out. MUST BUY.
TOTAL: 85
SATOSHI KON
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[ ] Millennium Actress (2001)
[ ] Paprika (2006)
[ ] Perfect Blue (1999)
[X ] Tokyo Godfathers (2003)<--The characters in this film are SUPERBLY developed and real. I lol'ed and cried so many times.
[ ] Memories - "Magnetic Rose" (1995)
TOTAL: 86
SHINKAI MAKOTO <--Who is this? Must research....
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[ ] She and Her Cat (1999)
[ ] Voices of a Distant Star (2001)
[ ] The Place Promised in Our Early Days (2004)
[ ] 5 Centimeters per Second (2007)
TOTAL: 86
OTHER ANIME FILMS <--There are a lot of titles missing from this. However this is proof of how I am constantly telling people I am not so much an anime fan as I like certain select films and series that HAPPEN to be anime.
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[X] Akira (1989)<--*shudder lol*
[ ] Appleseed (2004)
[ ] Appleseed: Ex Machina (2007) --(I gotta what this...)
[ ] Arcadia of My Youth (U.S. Title - Vengeance of the Space Pirate) (1982)
[X] Cowboy Bebop: The Movie (2003)<--Just parts.
[ ] The Dagger of Kamui (U.S. Title - Revenge of the Ninja Warrior) (1985)
[ ] Dirty Pair: Project Eden (1987)
[ ] End of Evangelion (1997)
[ ] Gundam Wing: Endless Waltz (1998)
[ ] Fist of the North Star (1986)
[ ] Galaxy Express 999 (1979)
[X] Ghost in the Shell (1996)<--VERY GOOD. Beautiful style.
[ ] The Girl Who Leapt Through Time (2006)
[ ] Lensman (1984)
[ ] Macross: Do You Remember Love (U.S. Title - Clash of the Bionoids) (1984)
[ ] Metropolis (2001)
[ ] Neo-Tokyo (1986)
[X] Ninja Scroll (1993)
[ ] Patlabor the Movie (1989)
[ ] The Professional: Golgo 13 (1983)
[ ] Project A-ko (1986)
[ ] Robot Carnival (1987)
[ ] Robotech: The Shadow Chronicle (2006)
[ ] Silent Möbius (1991)
[ ] Space Adventure Cobra (1982)
[ ] Steamboy (2004)
[ ] Sword of the Stranger (2007)
[ ] Unico and the Island of Magic (1983)
[ ] Urotsukidoji: The Movie (1987)
[ ] Vampire Hunter D (1985)
[ ] Vampire Hunter D Bloodlust (2000)
[ ] Wings of Honneamise: Royal Space Force (1987)
TOTAL: 89
CARTOONS FOR GROWN-UPS
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[ ] American Pop (1981)
[ ] The Animatrix (2003)
[ ] Beavis & Butthead Do America (1996)
[ ] Cool World (1992)
[ ] Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)
[ ] Final Fantasy: Advent Children (2005)
[ ] Fire & Ice (1983)
[ ] Fritz the Cat (1972)
[ ] Heavy Metal (1981)
[ ] Heavy Metal 2000 (2000)
[ ] Hey Good Lookin' (1982)
[ ] Lady Death (2004)
[ ] A Scanner Darkly (2006) --(I really need to actually watch this.)
[X] South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)<--So bad but so funny lol.
[ ] Street Fight (Coonskin) (1975)
[ ] Waking Life (2001)
TOTAL: 90
OTHER ANIMATED MOVIES
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[X] Animal Farm (1954)
[ ] Animalympics (1980)
[ ] Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon The Movie (2007)
[ X] Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker
[X] The Brave Little Toaster (1988) <--This is a weird Disney movie.
[ ] Bravestarr: The Movie (1988)
[X ] Cats Don't Dance (1997)
[X] Care Bears: The Movie (1985) <--What about the sequels?! I loved the second one lol!
[X] Charlotte's Web (1973)<--I CRY EVERY TIME TO THIS DAY.
[X] Fern Gully (1992)<--I adore this movie.
[ ] G.I. Joe: The Movie (1987)
[ ] Gobots: Battle of the Rock Lords (1986)
[ ] He-Man & She-Ra: The Secret of the Sword (1985)
[X] The Hobbit (1977)
[X] The Iron Giant (1999)<--GOOD MOVIE. I love the Beatnik dude XDDDD and the theme.
[ ] Justice League: The New Frontier (2008)
[X] Lord of the Rings (1978)
[ X] Little Nemo: Adventures in Slumberland<--The Nightmare King still terrifies me.
[X] My Little Pony: The Movie (1986)
[ ] Pink Floyd's The Wall (1982)
[X] The Prince of Egypt (1998) <--Unsung genius.
[ ] Powerpuff Girls: The Movie (2002)
[X] Quest For Camelot (1998)<--BAAAAD lol.
[ ] Ringing Bell (1978)
[X] The Road to El Dorado (2000)<--HILARIOUS.
[ ] Rock & Rule (1983)
[X] Space Jam (1996)<--Bad AND hilarious lolol.
[ ] Starchaser: The Legend of Orin (1985)
[ ] Superman: Doomsday (2007)
[X] The Swan Princess (1994)
[ ] Transformers: The Movie
[ ] Wizards (1977)
[X] Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988) <--Yes Roxy this was Disney too. AND Spielberg/Amblimation.
[ ] Wonder Woman (2009)
[X] Balto (1995)<--GOD I LOVE THIS MOVIE. THE WHITE WOLF SCENE. This had a sequel....
[X] Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron (2002)<--I ALSO LOVE THIS ONE.
Total 110.
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Comments: Read 27 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, January 28th, 2010
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Warning: in a couple of songs, explicitness lol.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, January 27th, 2010
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Sketch in progress--VERY in progress lol-- of "real" Zelgadiss and Rezo, cured (at least Zel is. Rezo still can't see, even though his eyes are opened. I know, I'm mean to my favorites).
Yes, it's supposed to be highly stylized. You're not imagining it. I have a weird signature style. It's been called demi-expressionistic.
A side note: This is actually the type of art I like doing best. The anime is a (really easy) thing that I do when I have five minutes free here or there for stress relief, but I am NOT an "anime" artist, nor a "fan artist," by definition.
Gah. I also just realized at least a third of the pic is cropped out by the stupid too-small scanner. I need a gigantor scanner. I work way too damn large. I'm just not a graphic artist at heart. :P
EDIT: ARGH, I missed the State of the Union address. WTF Amber, where is your brain? Oh well.
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Comments: Read 16 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, January 26th, 2010
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This may be the nicest pair of things anyone's ever said to me. :love:
1) From one of my students:
Amber,
Thank you so much for your support with the fundraising. That was so generous of you. It's been so wonderful knowing you because, since my diagnosis, I haven't been able to find any like-minded people dealing with chronic illness or MS. It's been a huge blessing talking to you about the struggles of MS, or Diabetes. There are things, as you know, that just can't be communicated to someone who isn't experiencing that daily fight. Sometimes talking to my "healthy" friends (for lack of a better term) about my MS can be like talking in two different languages. And then there's the other struggle, which is trying to connect with people who have your disease but may not be ANYTHING like you! That's been my issue. When I have met others with MS, it hasn't been a terribly positive experience and I end up feeling almost more alienated. It's been amazing to know there is someone I can relate to!
On top of it all you are such a positive and generous person in your everyday life. I can tell you how much my fellow first-years were grateful that you were the Methods TA. You made our experience in that class EXPONENTIALLY more positive! And you were constantly reminding us of the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm so glad that you are getting your PhD because I think the field (both art historical, and educational) needs SO many more people like you. You will be an invaluable addition to the often narcissistic art historical community, or any community for that matter.
Thanks for giving me hope, both professionally and personally. You are a gift to everyone you know.
Love,
A***
2) From my Godson:
Like stars that shine in the heavens,
A godmother's endless love
Lights the way for her godchild,
As the Lord gives a nod from above.
She was choosen [sic] because of her goodness,
And too for her gentle side,
But also because her godchild
Could view her with love and pride.
For she is a perfect example
Of all that a person should be
A kind and caring guardian,
Standing by for eternity.
Love,
Hunter.
Wow.
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Comments: Read 24 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, January 24th, 2010
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Saturday, January 23rd, 2010
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The Slayers Revolution dub for the first four episodes is now out. I'm pretty pleased with it even though I am generally a subber. For some reason it wasn't totally Slayers for me until I heard the New York cast, even though I prefer most of the Japanese cast. The Wizer voice is pretty damn hilarious and Pokota isn't TOO cringe-worthy (hell, his seiyuu is so screechy it'd be hard to top her for horrid). I can't wait to hear Siterniklaas's Xelloss. Hoping he takes a note out of Akira Ishida's book and is wise to the fan hatred of David Moo's performance. I'm also going batshit wanting to know who was cast for Rezo. I really hope they pattern him after Takehito Koyasu and NOT after the breathy creepy child-molester voiced Charles Rolfe. >.>; Sorry if anyone liked the dub Rezo from back in ye oulde days of circa 1997, but I uh. I prefer Koyasu's gentle, emotionally tremulous, sometimes scarily charismatic boom, lol.
Does anyone know when the next four dubbed episodes are out?
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, January 21st, 2010
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Lol :^D
Also I am very pumped about my dissertation. VERY. <3
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Comments: Read 15 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, January 17th, 2010
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Since Christmas day I've been having these wild episodes of nausea, dizziness, hot flashes, and intense surges of sadness or anger along with them. I'm not sure what's causing it but it's exhausting. It's also a big bummer. Lol. On top of that, I am having either one enormous period a month, or three small ones, neither of which is remotely normal. Getting checked out for that at the end of February. Unfortunately that means there will be no change in my health before mid February when I go to Chicago for the College Art Association conference. If my health thwarts that trip, I may have a nervous breakdown, lol. I have to GET AWAY from here. Argh.
Going through a great deal emotionally as well. Very discouraging at home. My mom and I couldn't be more different these days. I'm not sure how it happened. We used to be twins. Now I confess I am joyfully relieved whenever she goes to the grocery and I can be alone in the house without her for 40 minutes. That also is not normal, not for us. It might be that I am 26 and really tired of being dependent on another adult, once again due to health. I want her very close at the same time as I want to be alone. Equal intensity of need, opposite needs. And sometimes I catch myself wanting to just wring her neck. I realized what it is: she's aging and it's starting to show. She's only 60 but she doesn't take care of her health, at the same time as she is overly protective of mine. I am irrationally angry at her for getting older and thus closer to leaving me in death. It's terrible. The things that annoy me are things she can't help or does out of habit. How she walks, how she clears her throat a thousand times, how she follows me around and watches me do things like eat, how she mispronounces certain words. It's TERRIBLE. I have classic room mate cabin fever with my own mom and I feel INTENSELY guilty for it. I feel like I use her as a nursemaid when I am ill and otherwise no longer want her company. Why have I become this way? I know it can't just be that she's got deficiencies, I do as well. (My God I'm sick of her talking about the dead dog though, as if it doesn't make me sad to talk about it, as if only her way of mourning a departed pet matters. ARGH.)
She just REALLY REALLY ANNOYS ME. And I lament my own failing as a daughter to feel that way, because I love her too.
I sought out our minister to help her, because she has some huge chronic anxiety problems. She's starting to manifest symptoms of OCD: classic ones, like the checking the stone is turned off several times before leaving the house, like the excessive hand washings and germophobia, and I know it's largely derived from the trauma of her watching me nearly die in the ER so many times due to diabetic complications. She is avoiding the minister. She always avoids any offers for help. She wants to do everything herself, and control everything. It's exhausting. I want to just give up. At this point I am praying for a man to find me and take me off her hands and marry me and be my new caretaker. Which is also nothing like me at all. I am a feminist, I don't wait for men to "rescue" me. God who am I anymore? Ugh.
You know where this is all really coming from?
I hate that no relationship on this earth is forever. I hate it. Even with all the comfort that my Christian religion brings of an eternal afterlife (though for some reason the concept of eternity, which I can only perceive as a limited human being as either overwhelming or boring, also terrifies me), I hate it. I STRUGGLE and FIGHT for ANY friendship or family relationship I have to last. I can't think of any I am sure will.
I've been thinking a lot about parents and kids lately. How kids do grow up and want to get away from their parents, even if their relationship has been idyllic. Which makes me doubly depressed about the concept of human relationships. How even the strongest bonds are not eternal, but change.
Sometimes these changes are good, they are evolutions, natural growing. Sometimes, more often than not in my experience, they are bad. Kids no longer need their parents; they get married, have their own kids, and leave them, tolerating them at best on the holidays when everyone gets together and is supposed to be all perfect and happy. Parents get other interests, sometimes romantic, sometimes a second career, and no longer put their kids first. Best friends drift apart. I have either witnessed or experienced all of this lately. I am dismayed at myself because even I am guilty of it. If people just are never around and never seek me out, i internally calibrate my emotions to no longer need them. And I hate that. I hate how adaptable I am. I wish I weren't. But I try and try to keep friendships and if it's one-sided for a long time, I just move on. I have a natural survival impulse. And I know most people would say this is an asset, that I have adaptability and endurance. I guess they're right. I am just afraid of losing friends to my own ability to move on.
So eternity haunts me. It is something I crave but also fear. As usual my needs are paradoxical and battle internally. These are ghosts I continually exorcise in my choices of interests and even fandoms. I want certain characters's relationships, be they romantic or platonic, to be self-sufficient and enduring. Constant and eternal. I want them to have each other and need no one and nothing else. And even there I am continually thwarted. Characters die, grow up, marry, break up, move on. Change is the only constant.
I hate facing death and impermanence. They make me profoundly sad.
I've begun to envy those who are dead, too. NOT that I am suicidal. It's not in me to quit. It's just that they don't have to worry about this stuff anymore. They've already crossed to a higher elysian plane of existence past loss and pain and want. They are together and happy and things there ARE permanent.
People don't get forgotten in heaven, or paradise, or whatever you call it. Relationships last. People like me who work their asses off not to be left behind finally are NOT left behind.
It's like Dumbledore said in Harry Potter, lol: "Don't pity the dead, Harry, pity the living."
I am disabling comments because I know some f-listers have a chronic impulse to give advice. And I don't trust myself not to rip someone's head off. Sorry.
This has been an aimless ramble brought to you by Amber. No worries, Amber gets like this at the beginning of every single university semester. Once she is again engrossed in her studies and writings, she will be fine. She is addicted to school, after all.
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Sunday, January 10th, 2010
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amberpalette's journal
cheerful.
angry.
creative.
giggly.
blah.
accomplished.
loved.
melancholy.