Sense of Wonder

lols again

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 07:17:27 GMT

XD

I am actually having a terrible time but instead of complaining still more about it, I have decided to put up this silly thing lol.

I love Michael Siterniklaas

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 20:55:30 GMT

...and have every expectation that his Xelloss will rock the universe, as Morgeil and I were just discussing. I mean, he IS Xelloss lol. Observe:

HE EVEN DOES THE EVIL XELGIGGLE:

SERIOUSLY in love with this man, lol.

I just hope he doesn't overdo it. I want a subtly bizarre Xelloss, not a goofy nasal David Moo-alike Xelloss. I hope he recognizes that the fans love Akira Ishida's take on the character and uses that as a basis. Honestly his regular speaking voice has great potential and I think he could easily add an affable malevolence to make it perfect.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfNvO-2kAlY <--And this is just scary. I so agree with him. But again his goofy little fake-scream sounds like Xelloss being a smartass lmfao.

The most "wonderful" time of the year?

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 23:03:57 GMT

It's at times like this I'm so glad I'm a Christian, because having a religious belief system (so long as you do not abuse it) is one of the most certain ways to put meaningful perspective on trying or seemingly empty times in life. Christmas to me is ultimately a celebration of God's incarnation in human flesh in order that the gap between humanity and the divine might be permanently bridged with loving sacrifice, and with stooping to all the miseries and tough experiences of being God's human creations. This perspective gives an affirmative answer to the question "is it REALLY the most wonderful time of the year?"

Other than that, however, I am experiencing what psychologists, sociologists, and guidance counselors everywhere describe as the most STRESSFUL time of the year. And so I would have to say my answer aside the religious perspective is a tentative "no."

My mother and I live alone with a 14-year-old senile dog, 4 hours (at the shortest) away from all best friends and family. Ordinarily, Christmas means that a large portion of the extended family converges from down in Cincinnati and up in Traverse City at our home in Cleveland for a few days of happy chaos and warm safety. Ordinarily Christmas to me is time well spent with my colorful and dysfunctional (as are all) family, eating, going out, and going to church. This sense of intactness has been particularly crucial in the aftermath of many losses in the family, including someone tantamount to a great uncle to me, and my own maternal grandmother, who was a second mother to me. This year, because one of the fathers, who has been jobless and broke and behind on paying child support, just got a lucrative but time consuming new job, the Traverse City group will be staying in Traverse City for the holidays, and the Cincinnati group will be going straight to Traverse City. They offered to stop here in Cleveland to take mom and me along up to Traverse City.

Mom has refused. She believes that the water in Traverse City makes me ill, and the Traverse City hospital is a small rural affair, and my health problems profound enough, that we are stuck in Cleveland. Which means that the family aspect is gone from Christmas. You would think this good bonding time for my mom and me. We are already bonded, very close in fact. But ever since my grandma died, my mom has taken on grandma's characteristics. It's like I live with her, and my mom is the one who died. It's disturbing and depressing. She has also gotten worse versions of all her own worst character traits: she is rather hypochondriacal, constantly stressed and resultantly neurotically micromanaging everything I do to avoid potential problems of ANY scale, and depressed. I would bet she has obsessive-compulsive disorder, developed slowly over the years from dealing with a number of significant real-life health and relationship traumas; I am no psychologist, but I wish she would see one. Again, she refuses. It's ironic, she's an award-winning psychologist herself. Doctors make the worst patients.

This would all be enough for most emotionally healthy people to find a huge stressful setback. But there is more.

There's the gift-giving. I give presents to every single close long distance friend. It is going to have to stop, I am afraid. I am a broke PhD student. I spent 42 dollars on shipping ALONE and that's for PARCEL POST. I spent another about 80 dollars on everyone's gifts. That's 120 dollars that I don't have. I don't think I would mind this so much if the reciprocation were not frequently either nothing, or way too much. I think for everyone's sake, what some of us should agree on doing is no Christmas presents at all, just cards. I will be talking to several of you after the holidays about this. I know some of you will absolutely dig in your heels and be furious about this decision. I'm sorry, but it is only fair that gift exchange either be equal, or not at all. But basically, what I am saying is, the gift-giving used to be so pleasurable for me. Now it has become stressful. To those of you who ALREADY sent me lovely gifts (RUANA lol), I want to thank you so much. This is not ingratitude speaking. It's me feeling bad I can't deliver the same sort of thoughtful high-quality gifts anymore on my end.

Then there's this sense of pressure from seemingly EVERYONE socially. I don't think any of you means to do it. But from the majority of my friends irl and online (and even more so from my mom, who basically won't let me go out ANYwhere without her, and who guilts me when I want to do something like go take a shower instead of drive her to the post office) have this attitude of "oh well, you finished your PhD quals now, Amber, would you do this and this and this and this and this and THIS AND THIS since you have ALL the time in the WORLD now?" A gentle reminder: no. I DON'T have "all the time in the world." I have a lot of things to piece back together that I've been neglecting since LAST JANUARY due to the rigor of my studies. I have gotten fat and out of shape: I mean it's so bad that climbing three flights of stairs has me gasping for breath. I need to get back to my daily exercise regime and lose something like 50 lbs. I have let my diabetes get out of whack. I need to see a number of specialists and get a better handle on that, as well as my migraines. I need to research accupuncturists and new meds. I need to make ART. REAL art. Not just little sketchbook fanart doodles. ART. The thing I live and breathe. Big and messy and necessitating time to myself in my studio. I need to reconnect with all of you individually, on the phone, on AIM, in person.

Most of all, I need to spend time getting back in touch with my mom, who is so emotionally needy right now: she has to be my main priority, even though she's driving me up the wall. And she is time consuming and keeps me till around 11 pm or midnight most nights. This means I am not shitting off and ignoring you until that time of night, when BELIEVE me I am as EXHAUSTED as you are. It means I can't get away from her without causing an ENORMOUS shitfest harangue in which it is accused that "I care more about my 'computer' friends than her." Things like that which, were she a little more emotionally clear, she would know SHE know is untrue. I have to make it OVERLY abundantly clear to her though. I am sorry. Family must come first for me.

I don't even think people are consciously pressuring me to neglect all the things I need to work on. I am just getting over and over from all different friends the basic message "you've been gone forever, I miss you." I MISS YOU TOO. I REALLY. REALLY. Do. <33333 But the holidays are the most stressful time of year and I promise I can do no better than I am already doing. What I want more than anything is to sit ALONE in my room and veg out, and chill with friends on AIM. More than ANY present. And as SOON as that is REMOTELY possible, I will let you all know RIGHT away. <3 *big hugs* Thanks.

I just felt the need to say this because it appears that I have lost one of my close friends because I have been on hiatus a year studying. I tried to contact her as often as I could, but she abruptly severed all modes of communication with me on the phone and internet. I know it is not just that she has no time herself or has a broken computer, because I have observed her chatting openly every day with other friends on these various venues. I have tried to talk to her about it but she refuses to respond. So all I can figure is she believes I have ditched her and used "being busy at school" as an excuse to do so. Obviously this couldn't be more incorrect an assumption. I never ditch my friends. But it appears as if there is a way to misconstrue my behavior as such. So I want it ABUNDANTLY clear to all of you that I am doing my best and Christmas is a hectic and unpleasant time for me this year. And Melissa, if you are reading this, I STILL have no idea what happened between us to make you discard me as a friend so decisively, but I love you and wish you well in life.

Here's hoping it gets more pleasant. Again, I have my religious convictions, which are a tremendous comfort and the focus of my celebration of this holiday anyway.

HELP (one last time!)

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 06:29:09 GMT

Can somebody make me an mp3 of Zelgadiss when he screams "REZO NO BAKA!" in Evo-R episode 2? XDDDDDDD That's all I need. ASAP if at all possible. Doesn't need to be super high quality. THANK YOU! I'll give you a doodle of Zelgadiss as thanks, either human or chimera, your specification! <33333

OFFICIAL victory!

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 19:25:19 GMT

Advisor 1: "Dear Amber:
I’ve just heard back from Ellen _____ and Gary ______ and they both agree that you’ve passed your exam. Sorry for the trouble of taking the extra question but congratulations on doing well on it. Let’s catch up early next term. Have a wonderful break.
Best.
Henry."

Advisor 2: "Hi Amber:
Just wanted to say congratulations on successfully completing the minor. Hope you have a relaxing break.

-- Ellen L ________ "

HELL YEAH.

Automotivatorz!

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 09:07:55 GMT

Roxy is weird:

So is Amber:

The end. XD

I HAS A JARZO.

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 22:02:38 GMT

IZO-CHAN MADE ME A PLUSH HELLMASTER'S JAR THAT SPEAKS IN REZO'S VOICE WHEN YOU POKE ITS LID LOLOL! It got here todaaaay and klsdfjlsdfdf I made noises too high-pitched for human ears when I opened the package!!!!

AND AND AND I am going to CARRY IT EVERYWHERE with me and my mom will be all, "What the hell is that creepy plush ceramic thing you're taking to the grocery/shower/class/bed?" and I SHALL BE OZER IN FLESH. 8^DDDD (Okay so I won't really take it those places butonlybecauseitmightbreak....)

It currently sits on my desk smiling at me <3333

I'm not at all excited lol >>;;;; nope XDDDDD

Have pictures:

LOLOL see, I make a GREAT Ozer XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD (yes, it's meant to be a crappy photo-manipulation, it's a joke, LOL).

PLEASE NOTE.

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 17:39:44 GMT

I just want it to be clear to everyone that if I am getting any notifications of new replies, they are from AT LEAST 24 HOURS after they are actually sent, ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE PRIVATE MESSAGES. For that reason, PLEASE EMAIL ME private messages instead of sending them here. Be patient with regular comments, I am manually going through them and replying that way, but I am slower than usual because my final PhD exam essay is on Friday the 11th and I am busy studying.

It looks like most people are having the same problem here, to varying degrees.

Another thing that seems to be happening is a spam-level tidal wave of so-clled "virtual gift" receipts by highly random people on my Flist. Is anyone else getting that? Is it some kind of LJ hacker job?

LJ's administrators keep saying they've "fixed" the problem but I am seeing no improvements, so we may have to face this being slightly long-term. =^/

Ugh

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 22:32:16 GMT

I'm too compassionate for my own good. Why can't I just get a soft spot for boringly happy, uncomplicated main characters? Why do I always have to fictionally "save" fallen martyrs (Rezo) and "misunderstood" villains-with-potential-to-be-saved (Akito, Draco Malfoy), and anti-heroes who grow to become better people SLOWWWWLY (Sesshoumaru), or care about chaotic neutrals who don't give a rat's ass about anyone (Xelloss)? UGH. It's a solitary venture and I get gentle criticism from friends and harsh flames from a number of strangers, for my stupidly boundless pity.

But I just can't get myself to be interested in the lawful goods who are more like ME, lol. Why is that? Because I'm like, the opposite of a narcissist or something? The only character I've ever adored who is a lot like me is Remus Lupin in Harry Potter. That's like, it.

I seriously wish I could just write these characters off like almost everyone else can, as psychos (Akito), or people who died in a redemptive way so let's just forgive and forget they existed and had a huge impact on main characters (Rezo), or pricks (Sesshoumaru, Draco). But I have this ridiculous impulse to "help" and "understand" them. What the hell, Me? Stop being a retard, Me. Epic fail, Me, you have bad fictional character tastes.

Oh well. Bleh.

Back to studying.

PS: LJ IS AN ASSHAT AND IS NOT SENDING ME EMAIL NOTIFICATIONS FOR ANY OF YOUR REPLIES. THIS MEANS IT MAY TAKE ME A WHILE TO GET TO THEM. u___u; Sorry. I hear I'm not the only one having this problem, though.

I return requesting mp3 help! (again! XD; )

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 08:42:41 GMT

Heyyyy Izo-Channnn, SensitiveInferrrrnoooooo lol ^^;;;;

Really anyone who is able: I just need a clip of Hikaru Midorikawa saying something exasperated or serious (short if possible). As any of his characters. I'm trying to splice two sound clips together for maximum Funny and I can't find Midorikawa anywhere on the net except in full length songs or wav files.

Thanks XD;

My head is spinning.

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 01:12:51 GMT

My dog keeps almost dying then barely bouncing back. I feel so sorry for her. It will kill me but I just want her to die so she can stop suffering. My mom doesn't want to put her down though so I'm forced to wait.

The volume of materials I have to read by Friday is overwhelming. But at least then it will be over, and I highly suspect they will pass me on this final hurdle. And I shall be ABD completely! <3

I just discovered that a dear friend of several years has removed me from all of her internet connections, including here (she has a friends-only journal and I am now unable to comment there). I haven't been able to reach her for almost a year now, and I don't know of ANY fight we've had or wrong I've done. It's killing me. I make friends for life. I just want to know whatever it is I did to offend her so much that she'd drop me like a hot potato. I have art and crafts and cd's she made me all over my room so it's REALLY hard not to think about her. I did only know her on the internet, but damn. It's jarring. I really can't afford to lose friends right now.

At least I've cleared up an argument with another friend today. She did me the favor of explaining what I did to offend her, and we made up. I REALLY wish this other friend would please do me that last favor. You know who you are. Please, please.

In other news...the holidays are a double edged sword. You miss the people who are no longer with you. It's difficult for my mom and me right now. I am sure a number of you can relate closely to how that feels. I send hugs to you. <3

With that mood inspiring me, I wrote a little drabble of Zelgadiss and Rezo which, after an Edna St Vincent Millay poem, I title "Time Does Not Bring Relief." Read under the cut. It's sad at first but the ending is happy (and exhibits my wishful thinking): Zelgadiss's connection by blood and spirit to Rezo actually causes Rezo, who was laid to rest and redeemed at the end of Slayers Evolution-R to ask L-Sama to send him back to the living and be with his child, and atone. So many people I'd like to be able to bring back. I can't do that in reality, but damned if I won't do it in fiction. Hope this is therapeutic for others aside myself.

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
… at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide!
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go,--so with his memory they brim!
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, "There is no memory of him here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering him!
~Edna St. Vincent Millay

It's like seeing you through a thick plate of glass spanning the world, a cruelly thick, cruelly transparent wall of glass, endless. And you're facing away, and cannot hear me no matter how much I scream and pound and smash for your attention. You are everywhere and nowhere and I can't surmount that. It is one challenge I can never meet. In my most secret mind I am helpless.

The realization that you are gone-where it really, truly seeps into every inch of me like an acrid odor into my clothes, inescapable no matter how long I squeeze shut my nose-it's like that. It's like something omnipresent but impenetrable. Your death, and the knowledge that I must face everything, the vast terrible exhausting loneliness of everything, without you. For the rest of my life.

I'm always seeing you. I seek to be haunted.

Whenever I see an exquisite red scarf blazing defiantly in a market crowd. Any time that happens. There you are.

You wore red. So often it was your public namesake. Big, thick, lullaby-soft robes draped on your towering slim frame, making you the embodiment of something sacredly shrouded, but even more so, an embrace personified. Home itself was in your warm red-blanketed arms. So much that even a disgruntled boy, toddler or teen, always overcame his awkwardness with physical displays of affection to win a tight tender hug from you. You were never miserly with your hugs.

You were so gentle that I felt I needed to protect you from them. From all of them. All of those eyes that could see and scrutinize and appropriate and possess, when your eyes were helplessly closed.

I had to BE your eyes.

I had to be hard and strong and practical, the shell around you, that your soft sensitive melancholias, your dreams and impossible goals, your flights of scholarly hypotheses and charts and experiments, your philosophies on the gods and love and life and potential, could be preserved.

All of this inspired by a hug from a man in red robes. A hug. I never, ever resented it. Being your eyes was my life. I felt like a hero.

And that's why…when you turned on me…because That Thing was in you, sucking out your goodness like a leech drains a person of blood….that's why I shattered. I couldn't protect you after all. And you couldn't protect me anymore, either.

The hilt of my sword and the great circular brooch that I fasten to my cloak are red for a reason. None of my closest friends has ever pointed that out. I think they realize. I think they are trying to give me the privacy that I hoard. Surely they know why I cling to that color.

Sometimes, my lover even gives me one of her aching, helplessly mute, childlike stares, not quite pity, more like empathy. I see the pain of having her mother brutalized when she was a toddler in those two pools of sapphire. I think she can understand a little.

But she never really knew her mother. The pain of absence isn't as keen. A better analogy would be if her father had been taken from her. Her father who raised her, on whom she fixed all her aspirations, who came to embody safety and security and the notion that a few precious things do endure. Maybe then she would know the agony of being cast about without direction, aimlessly drifting the vain needle without a thread through the holes where all those things were abruptly taken, the sutures shredded.

But I am glad she doesn't really understand. I never want her to. I never want anyone I cherish to know how that feels. That dull throb that never subsides.

I wish you had met her. The woman I am in love with. You would have seen my youthful self in her. She is brash and opinionated, and she is generous and compassionate, and she is fiercely idealistic. A pixie-faced optimist. Just like I was. You would have adored her. You would have called her something like "Me-me" or "Tessie," I know. Because you were an incurable dork who loved stupidly sentimental nicknames. What were a few of mine? Your "sunshine," your "hedgehog," your "tough guy," your "grumpyhead." So embarrassing.

I loved all of them.

What am I going to do on my wedding day, when you aren't there to tell me to put my head between my legs and take deep breaths and not vomit on the highly expensive royal upholstery?

What am I going to do when she's pregnant? Who will help me understand the tidal waves of female hormones? Who will tell me how to delicately say "yes, you're fat, but you're still beautiful"?

Why can't you ever meet my babies? You would have spoiled them, taught them how to chart the constellations, how to pick locks, how to tell someone you love them in a thousand gestures and less than ten words-because they will be like me, so damnably bad at putting such core-deep feelings into spoken expression. You would have spent hours just running your big warm soft pale hands across the contours of their faces, memorizing them, like a favorite song, word for word, staccato little noses, slurring fluid jawlines, crescendoing big curious eyes. You would have set up a secret base for slumber parties for them under your bed, with pillows and lanterns and many, many deliciously thick dusty books full of exciting stories, ideas, and dreams. I know it. I lived it.

I need you. I need you. I need you. Come back. Fucking hell. Don't leave me. I don't even care if you're still sick. I don't even care if I have to play nursemaid forever. You gave me more than that occasional annoyance. Maybe I had to lift your crying face, caked in snot because your tears couldn't fall from sealed-shut eyes, off your examination table, off the stone chapel floor, off the dirt ground, after night-long hysterical terrors that contorted your body and your mind with the same scream, over and over, of "WHY WHY WHY." Maybe I had to expend some tears for you, because you couldn't shed them, and because I had no answer to that fervent, frothing question. Maybe.

But you were also the one who changed my bed every time I pissed in my sleep. You were the one who explained wet dreams when I got a little older, in a way that somehow didn't embarrass either of us. You were the one who cleaned sweat and vomit off my face when I had a fever, and blood and gravel out of the scrapes in my legs when I fell on the road. How could I ever resent you for your manic ravaging screaming highs, your breaking of glass tubes and of your voice in your throat? When you were such a prisoner, and your face always pleaded, in the shards and aftermath, for forgiveness? When those rages may have been BECAUSE you were so pure and weak and gentle? When ours was such a symbiotic existence?

I didn't mind holding you, rocking you to sleep, and never telling anyone that you crawled around on that laboratory floor shrieking and sobbing like a wounded animal. I didn't mind picking the glass out of your bloodied hands, and bandaging them. Fuck them all. I didn't mind. You sang me to sleep enough nights, after all. You laughed and crooned and sighed and soothed hundreds of thousands of times more than you wailed and wept. Fuck perfection. Heroes aren't perfect. Don't be ashamed. I can hold you some more. And them some more after that. Come back.

When something funny is said in a smoky, gaslit tavern, when someone roars a laugh, defiantly alive, appreciative, salutary, running radiantly up and down a scale like the shimmering, swelling, erratic glow of fire against the rainy window glass…when someone laughs like that, there you are. I stand immobile listening, and I smile. I fought for your laughter. Every time it bubbled up, like an epiphany striking everyone in the vicinity, infectious, it was a victory for me.

I'm told I talk in my sleep. I got that from you, too. Silly pleasant nonsensicalities. I wish you weren't sleeping so deeply, so eternally, now.

Please don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't. I think I fought you so hard because I knew I had forgiven you the moment you had hurt me, and I was angry at myself for being unable to resist that grace. Justice demanded that I hate and reject you for betraying me. For turning my flesh into a grotesque quarry and for making it so that every time I looked in the mirror I saw evidence that my home and mentor and values and purpose had all abandoned me. Justice.

But when it comes to you, my typically rational, logically rigorous mind abandons me too. Always has. When it comes to you, I don't think, I only feel. I am compelled beyond reason. When it comes to you, I drop everything and follow, and pardon unconditionally.

And you always knew I would be there. Blind faith, it had new meaning for us. I could see your almost pathetic gratitude every time I squeezed your shoulder or spared a sentence of glowing praise. I could see how every time I reaffirmed how much I cared, it was to you a miracle at which to marvel.

You had two smiles: a real smile, and a fake smile. The real smile was always because of something I said or did: it started slow and it bloomed and it flourished, and it made those creases under your ever-closed eyes, the only evidence that you are centuries old and not an early thirty-something, stand out more. Because of me, and no one else.

I loved being so special.

If you could not have your sight, I wanted the fact that I was always right there at your side to be sufficient cause for your joy. Sometimes I believed it was. We had faith in each other.

I suppose your parasite knew that. I suppose that's how he broke us. Mocking that symbiotic bond. I suppose it's not so bad, then, that a part of me forgave you ten seconds after I ran away from home looking for that orihalcon statue with which I intended, paradoxically, to destroy you. You were like the victim of some kind of repulsive, chronic abuse: psychological, physical, emotional, and trapped not inside a barred-door shack but inside the frame of your own body. Maybe your eyes were sealed closed because your own body was trying to reject him, to seal him inside, to fight him down. Maybe you couldn't open them because you were good-not because he had afflicted you. How much struggle and strain was that? How much misery? How much was it like the body you put me in-in what ways, worse?

Sometimes I wonder if I could have done something. Could have caught on and realized what your anguished body and soul harbored. Could have stopped it. Did I fail you, Gramps?

I will never be complete again, without you. Without a past.

Old man, I'll always love you. And I always did.

Always.

Every night before bed, I will go out to the woods where they buried that tinkling metal staff you left behind, and I will kneel in the soil. Like an emotionally labile fool, I will take two hands full of that soil. I will grind my teeth red-faced and tearful, and whisper to the ground, "come back," and I will look up at the sky and plead "come back," and I will kiss the air as I wish I could kiss your eyelids, and reassure and bless your scarred soul, and I will apologize that not even I was enough to save you, and finally I will beg "rise up" over and over and over again until my voice is hoarse and I am exhausted. That's my plan. Every night, the rest of my life.

Because you are a part of me, and I am not whole. Because time does not bring relief.
*******************************************************
Oh...this. It's what it must be like...to be born. Shall I cry...?

My baby. Don't be sad. I'm coming back.

It was sublime really when I died. It was warm and cool at the same time. Soothing. I could see...everything. Light all around me. Exquisite golden white light. All the kingdoms of the world below my feet and I was sailing on that golden white, and it went on forever.

All the people I had loved and lost were with me. All the people whose touches had lent me a sliver of this Elysium when I had been alive, and it was cold and painful and dark and just...hard. My wife was there. To welcome me. And my grandbaby whom I.........

...ah....!

...and my friends Rodimus, and Zolf. Even silly Noonsa. All there.

They told me....they said we've been waiting, Rezo.....well done, Rezo....I didn't understand yet.

And then a Woman's gentle hands....

I have never known a mother's touch, but this was just that.

"Welcome home, my child," She said. Her voice was like the universe condensed into one golden warm hum.

And welcomed I was. But something tugged at the left of my chest. Something panged. Was empty.

I asked why I was hurting still. My eyes freely wept as I lay there on that golden white sea being cleansed. My arms ached emptily.

She told me: It must be because your Reason is still alive in the mortal world. She said here Rezo, you will never hurt again. Here you will be able to see. Here you will never want.

I said, but I am hurting. That is why I asked You of it. I AM hurting. Let me go back. I know what is missing. My Light is still living. You are right.

She smiled at me. I can't remember what she looked like. Only that it was a smile both terrifying and gentle.

She said very well, if you are sure.

I am sure, I told Her. It will be cold and it will hurt sometimes, and there is much I will have to face that here I would have escaped. But he still lives, and I will follow him. If anything in that world or this, the next, is real, then I must be at his side until the day he too comes here. And then I will return with him.

Because you love him, She confirmed.

With all my heart, and soul, and mind, I love my child, I replied.

And that was when I awoke. Every bone and muscle ached. And before my eyes, darkness again.

But I was happy, Zelgadiss. Because I could be with you again. You see you are my Reason.

And look, it was so worth it. It was worth arthritis in my back and scars in my heart, and shame in my spirit, and the weight of atonement. Because I can be with you. I'm not sure I could ever convey it to you, Zelgadiss. How devotedly I love you. How sorry I am. How purely and unequivocally you saved me, the moment you were born into this world.

Your love has made it possible for me to know the love of our family. And your wife and her family. And your friends. Oh Zelgadiss. I am so glad I remembered why I came back again, a second time. Not some tainted Hellmaster's Jar. But the love I have for you that sustained me in darkness.

Sweet baby, all grown up, it's alright. Gam-Gam's home to stay.

l;ksjdafjhsadf LOLOLOL.

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 07:27:52 GMT

CHARLIE BROWN AND SLAYERS TOGETHER = WIN.

This is because Izo-Chan is awesome and gave me the link, LOL.

Gift Arts in PROGRESS

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 01:26:18 GMT

(That is, cruddily unfinished)

For Elise and Piku,who have this running gag in rp's with me or in their art with Rezo as a cook, a Thanksgiving Sage: The spectacles are a joke and so is the Hellmaster's Nordic Sweater lololol.

Please note, these works are not among my most serious. Some of them are just cuddly, some get well art. My serious fan and original art is too big to scan so it may be a while before I can get it up here or at deviantART.

For Ruana, who is sicky again :( Here are some previews:

For Roxy's Christmas:

Sooooo I....

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 21:51:49 GMT

PASSED my PhD qualifying exams!!!!!!!! Thanks for everyone's good wishes and prayers! They were pleased with me!!!

There is (of course) one caveat: I have to revise one of my photo essays, because one of the profs felt I didn't say enough about European photography (even though the question was about American photography...lol). So unfortunately I am still a slave to academia for two weeks while I study to answer one more written exam question. Thus I won't be as available as I thought I would be until, now, December 11.

So please be patient with me and understand that while happy I am also exhausted and still have to work my ass off Please be gentle and give me time to get to stuff that doesn't have to do with school. Thanks! I shall be free soon enough!

Regardless of how this ends...

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 02:37:05 GMT

God will provide. ^___^

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Amber
Birthday:	June 18
Birthplace:	Cincinnati
Current Location:	LOL. Nice try.
Eye Color:	CHOCOLATE brown!
Hair Color:	Medium brown (and curleh)
Height:	5'6"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Rightie!
Your Heritage:	Scottish, French, German, Welsh, Jewish
The Shoes You Wore Today:	I am a barefooted MAVERICK.
Your Weakness:	self-perfectionism
Your Fears:	Spiders, deep water, being alone in life, the hospital, ambulances, many illnesses of my own body.
Your Perfect Pizza:	Extremely cheesy
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Hopefully fulfilled this Monday (become ABD on my PhD studies).
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	"LOLOL." Or the even more profound "lmfao."
Thoughts First Waking Up:	What do I need to get done today?
Your Best Physical Feature:	Either my eyes, my lips, or my legs.
Your Bedtime:	^^; Around 2-3 am.
Pepsi or Coke:	Coke, it supports diabetes research.
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Neither? ^^;;;;
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Choco-vanilla swirl! HAR, I bucked your reductive dichotomy! MUAHAHA.
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Coffee.
Do you Smoke:	Dude, I have enough health problems as it is!
Do you Swear:	Sometimes.
Do you Sing:	Often, especially alone in the car XDDD
Do you Shower Daily:	No, but every other day, yes.
Have you Been in Love:	Yes.
Do you want to go to College:	LOLOL. I have been in college for the past...eight years, lol!
Do you want to get Married:	Absolutely. But I'm picky about who he'll be.
Do you get along with your Parents:	Yes, but my mom more than my dad.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Nopes.
In the past month have you Smoked:	Noooopes.
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	Legal ones, lmao.
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Nopes, but I've been asked by the same guy at least eight times. I want to stay friends (he is a bit of a player).
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	Nopes, but probably will the entire month of December doing all the Xmas shopping I usually do in November lol.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	Half of one ^^;
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	DON'T RUB IT IN. I WANT TO SO BADLY. ARGH! <3
In the past month have you been on Stage:	This coming Monday ^^;;;;;;;;;
In the past month have you been Dumped:	I've never been dumped actually, I've always been the dumper ^^;;;
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	LOL no.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	No
Ever been Drunk:	I don't like puking or acting like an ass.
Ever Shoplifted:	Nope.
How do you want to Die:	Very old surrounded by loved ones and in my sleep.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	...this survey is for high school kids isn't it?
What country would you most like to Visit:	France
Number of CDs I own:	over 500 I am sure.
Number of Piercings:	One in each ear.
Number of Tattoos:	Zero. I have visual commitment issues ;^P
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	None. It's something I am proud of. I behave with integrity and compassion to the best of my ability, always.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

For Elise: The Rezo-Design-Revamp Problem!

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 04:17:49 GMT

Me: "Rezo's face looks deceptively easy to draw but it is FIENDISHLY hard, I've learned, because his eyes are so big and conceptually important that it puts a lot of pressure on rendering them correctly, and because his face is very long and fine-boned but doesn't quite cross over to totally girly. That said, new seasons Rezo is slightly easier to draw, for some reason, than season one Rezo. I can't figure out why but it's true lol."

Elise (GaavNoMayuge): "Oh, yes, Rezo's eyes are really hard to draw properly, because they are important! And he definitely has a long face in comparison to the other characters (Lina and Amelia have very very round faces in comparison...)! ^__^ But I will do my best!

Hm... I think that his hair style changes slightly between season one and the new seasons, he has the two pieces of hair hanging on his forehead in the first season, but I don't think it's as present in the newer seasons... and I think there's a slightly different approach to drawing his eyelids...? As in, in the first season, the eyelids are clearly drawn in the shape of the eye and the fold over the eyelashes whereas that's less emphasized perhaps in the newer style...? Or something...?"

Elise, you are right! Observe:

VS

VS

I would say the changes are:
--Less broad shoulders.
--The two bangs in the front now point away from, rather than toward, his forehead, creating a more streamlined look.
--His hair is in general less exaggeratedly swooshy, lol.
--His eyelashes are a little less long.
--His eyes are more proportionate.
--In his eyes in general, the focus is less volumetrically on the closed eyeballs and more on the eyebrows.
--An overall more masculine appearance except for being thinner and slighter of frame.

It might be fun to do this with the entire cast. The revamping had various degrees of efficacy. My favorite revamps are of Rezo, Zelgadiss, and Xelloss. Who happen to be my three favorites, so I am a happy camper lol XD;

Bluh.

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:05:21 GMT

Sick, six days before my qualifying exams. Whyyyyyy. X__X;

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 20:59:40 GMT

I am so remarkably pissed off and discouraged today. High bloodsugar, missing out on too much and feeling stressed about not the social end to the point where I'd just rather not spend time with anyone, meds with emotional side effects, and way the fuck too much to do in only two and a half weeks. Also my fucked up PCOS multi-month periods. In the throes of that as we speak. I hate my body. I wish I could just be a spirit, a brain, and a set of emotions, without the inconvenience of physical functions and malfunctions.

My mind is sluggish today because that's not possible, and I'm just saturated with too much factoid, and I can't seem to take in or dialogue about anything with study buddies.

I hate that.

Oh well. What's to be will be. At least it's only another month. I've had much worse for far longer than a month. I can take it.

maybe I should just post here on weekends....

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 22:59:06 GMT

....since I keep coming back to it.

Except please please please, do not comment on my journal in order to be argumentative or critical. Everyone has the right to be these things, and normally I love a good feisty debate, but right now I really can't take it. I just don't have time, or energy, for it. So please just ignore my entries if they annoy you or seem glaringly unjust or flawed or whatever it is that compels anyone to be so dissatisfied with me. ^_^; Thank you.

I'm insanely depressed. That's why I am typing this. I feel isolated. I've imposed it on myself because of exams crunch time. But I really miss talking to all my best friends nightly. I've gone from nightly to complete abstinence from AIM and most of the internet. It's a difficult transition even if it is only for a little over a month. Because I live with my mom (the rest of my actual nuclear AND extended family except my dad, divorced from my mom and living in Cincinnati, are all dead, or are cousins living in California that I don't know). My mom is getting older and it's hard to watch.

I am having nightly dreams of my grandma having died, but somehow being alive again, and very angry at me for believing she was dead. Very angry. And my mom too. And everyone acting like her raised from the dead is normal, and furious at me for insisting that she's dead and that it hurts me to see her back when she isn't really. The dreams are often graphic and very very disturbing. And literally, ritualistically nightly. Someone tell me this is going to stop soon. I wonder what it is I need to let go of.

Get Well, Izo-Chan! D^=>

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 23:56:43 GMT

This is my terrible crappy work in progress of a cute scene in an rpg with Ruana! I want her to see it and smile since she has pneumonia! *weep* Poor biddums!!!! <33333 I hope you like it, my dearie!

And HERE IS MAH OTP:

Back to hiatus-studying nows D^X>

Okay, ONE MORE POST lol. QUESTION!

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 02:37:21 GMT

I want to make a music video. Now that I have a snazzy MacBook Pro, it is very easy to do this on iMovie (which I have used before thanks to an awesome prof who let me borrow her comp for an art class movie in undergrad). I probably won't have the time till December but still:

1) What are the best free sites from which I can (semi)legally download video clips? I have done slide shows before but actual videos are always more entertaining.

2) Once I get to the site, how do I download the vid clips?

3) Are there any with specifically Slayers clip sites? XD; You all can probably guess from my icon who this will be about, LOL.

Thanks to my techno-super friends! <3

Also, giving up AIM is KILLING ME. I am on AIM at least a couple hours EVERY night rping with friends and I just MISS it. But at the same time I am already seeing the difference in my calm, sleep, and concentration levels. So I am sticking with this, even though it's tough getting rid of that addiction.

Peace out, friends!

I present to you the HELLMASTER'S JACKOLANTERN!

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 02:32:19 GMT

Previeeeeew:

I had to break my no-net rule one last time to share this XDDDDD

I just wish Rezo's soul really WERE in that jackolantern. I would promptly revive him and go around in a red dress with a white apron and dye my hair auburn and be Ozer. For the rest of my LIFE. Lol.

Hope it got some festive chuckles. XD It was surprisingly popular on my block even though nobody knew what it was, haha. <3

Also, have a promise from God (I was praying for help when this showed up. I thought that was pretty nifty):

HIATUS.

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 02:24:10 GMT

Hi F-Listers.

I'm taking a hiatus from LiveJournal. For this entire week, I've been having a number of highly unwarranted and unwanted "internet drama" situations, mainly with a specific InuYasha fandom troll but also even with a handful of regular visitors. I seem unable to stop myself from trying to politely but firmly retort to both slightly grumpy chastisements and outright character assaults (again, rarer, and just from a troll or two). As a result, hours of my time that I already don't have are eaten up in arguments with strangers over the internet.

The solution to this problem is clear.

I will be away from my Amberpalette LiveJournal account until December 2009, at which point I will resume the usual net activities. That's barely over a month and I somehow doubt anyone will be devastated, lol =^P

So please refrain from commenting in my journal (if you do it will just get deleted because I don't have time to read comments ^^; ) until December.

Many thanks, and sorry I have to do this, but school comes first.

God bless!

Noooooooooooooooooooo < 3

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 19:21:05 GMT

My Godson has the FLU D^;> PLEASE pray and/or hold good thoughts for him! Gwahhh *weep!* I don't think it's Swine Flu but they're not sure! ;;;____;;;

LOL. My friends are so awesome.

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 01:48:59 GMT

Not only all the people at dA and here who rather leapt to my defense on the issue in my most recent journal, but also my poor friend with H1N1 who was bored today lying around convalescing, and decided to send me this:

Only Slayers fans will understand this but LOL.

IT BE'Z A REZOLULCATZ! YAYYYZ!

I LOVE YOU, KAREN! LOL. <3